Life, Death, and Cancer

Is it a jinx?

Within this month, I've heard at least 5-6 people who are suffered from cancer. Not to mention Mrs Ainun Habibie who died several months ago. Let's say:

- My friend's cousin who got a cancer in his stomach (could it be on his liver? or pancreas? or duodenum?) but he has been consuming chemotherapy pills - I hope he will be healed. Amen;
- Rachmatsyah Bungamayang, Fauziah's brother who died last month caused by cancer on his duodenum;
- Desziana Machmud, Asmudjo's dearest wife who has been suffering from breast cancer since 2 years ago and now the cancer has spread over her thigh bone marrow;
- Juni Leonardy, Suci's best friend, who got her symptom only a week before she died last Monday. She was being condemned to 4th stadium of cancer in her womb. She wrote many messages on her FB wall. Two days before she died she wrote "I can't sleep... I can't sleep.." twice. A week before her death she wrote "When a Father takes the child by the hand, He would take the mother by the heart";
- Norvan, a cartoonist, Ojie and Nida's best friend, who were dying because of cancer in his pancreas two-three days ago, and yesterday he passed away.

What is this? Cancer? Death?
The deaths of these young people (24 to 40 years old) disturbs me. Life is so short. And when you die, you don't bring your Macbook to your tomb. Not even your iPad, your car, your Black Berry, nothing. None. I feel relieved when I realize it. Suddenly the sadness of losing my Macbook just gone away. The fear of being penniless disappears. The fear of not possessing anything in my life doesn't come. At this point, I thank God that life is not eternal. Realizing that life is short has urged me to do more in a positive way. I wish I had more time to correct myself, and improve my social responsibility.

Cancer.
What happen to these young people? Why do they suffer from cancer in their early age? I accused today's lifestyle as the cause of it : preservatives on food and drinks, cigarette, drugs, pollutions, and stress. Or maybe it's just God who want's to reduce the population of men on earth?

It's My Birthday Again!!! :)

Yesterday was my birthday!
I don't know but I'm so happy!

Saturday midnight, I got so many birthday messages on my FB wall saying happy birthday! I got blackberry messages too from my dearest friends.... and of course, my sweetie!

Monday morning, I got a surprising cake from my colleagues, and I love it when they came to my desk with glowing candles singing happy birthday :) It's like in the movie :)

By the way, I feel more ready for my future. It's like.. "go on Dewi, this is it! This is the time!".

Tears in Heaven

My friend's grandma passed away last Monday, 21:39 GMT+7 Jakarta time. That should be 16:39 Ankara time, sometime around Ashar prayer time. The tears immediately dropped from my eyes, showering my cheeks.

I've never met her. I've never spoke to her. I dunno how she looks before my friend sent me her dying picture, 2 days before she left us. But ever since he mentioned her within our prior chat in February 2009, I know that she's a beloved person. I remember that time, I was in Enna's studio, working on my illustration job, and he was in his prior office. "LOL grandma's here visiting me in office!" that's what he said. I laughed, imagining grandma comes to his office, drink tea, and they go together to the hospital for her routine check up. "She's a very funny grandma!" that's what he told me.

Every time the topic comes to grandma, he becomes energetic and sincere. I could feel a true, unconditional love, and a warmed-heart energy derived from him. In my opinion, she is the only one with whom he can find a comfort in the family.

Also in 2009, grandma had her first accident. She fell from the taxi and had her bone broken. It was him who take care of her during the post-injury. "I am in grandma's house!" that's what he told me. "She's so little you know, I have to take care of her." November 2009 on my birthday night, I called him by phone for a surprise and it was his grandma who told him that his cellphone's ringing.

That time, I felt a deep loving heart from this funny un-serious guy. An eccentric guy who impressed me 15 years ago with his poems about dragon and knight, and almost made me fainted with his long pink wig before on a concert in Istanbul.

A few days before Eid, after laughing at me for what I did on Ramadan (fasting of course!), he left the web cam to visit his grandma. "I am gonna visit grandma. I wanna buy her something for Bayram. Meat and chocolates. I love her." And I saw a longing in his eyes.

Until one day I saw a status on his FB account. "Car accident."

I asked him through blackberry, was it him who got a car crash. But then he replied "No, it's grandma. She is in comma now" and then he told me about how grandma was hit, when, and how was her condition. I was shocked and I knew it must be something big for him. He was so emotional as well.

I sent him messages every day, although I know he might be busy with hospital, etc. I wanted to know how the progress was going. Then finally he said that grandma will have an operation on Monday. She was wake up on Sunday and he talked to her. I was in Sour Sally when he message me "She talks to me. I tell her about your wish and she welcomed it." Then I asked him to send me her pic. It was the first and last pic of her that I have.

Monday, I asked him in the afternoon about the operation. "It's already started, I guess" he said first. But then when Jakarta was hit by a heavy thundering heavy rain at night, I asked him again "How is the surgery?". Then he replied, "grandma died. I just got the message."

And I was shocked in grief. My tears were falling on my face. I tried to console him but I cried myself. I felt sorry, really sorry for not being able to meet her in person.

He took care of everything, from the hospital to the funeral. He even buried her by his hands himself. I caught a glimpse of what he's done. "Did you pray for the dead corp?" He said "of course!". Hmm.. somebody who said that he doesn't need God and always laughs at me if I do anything related to religion was in the mosque, praying for his beloved. Sounds touchy ;)

Death always makes me cry, I dunno why. That's what I felt when attending Mrs Ainun's funeral. My tears are not the representation of sympathy to the abandoned relatives, but it represents my regret of not being able to interact with the dead person anymore. I feel sorry for not being intense on sharing love.

A song from Eric Clapton makes everything becomes more emotional,

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Recharged

I'm off today. I told my boss that I need a rest. Well, after three days suffering from the heavy rain, extreme weather and the insanity of Jakarta traffic, I woke up in the morning with headache and stiffed back. I couldn't even think.

Honestly, one day off is so much relieving. Today I enjoy my day by watching two films: Post Grad, and 500 Days of Summer. The first movie is a teenage drama-comedy, it speaks about a girl with an ambition of pursuing her goals in life but then she gives up and back to her beloved guy. The second film is quiet a good one. Pretty mature, it is not a love story, yet a story of love. My pen friend Kerem has mentioned me about this film and I agree with him to rank it as a full-five-stars movie!

Not to mention the actor and actress, the way they bring the story by such a plot, this is a film of reality. You never know who's gonna be your destiny. You love her so much, but she doesn't love you. You never expected her but she comes to you. I think teenagers have to watch this.

Do these films give me a whack on my head? Heheh... guess so. I become more relaxed, not trying to push everything hard in life. What Ryden's dad said in Post Grad is quiet the same with what 500 Days have told:  "There is no rule".

I just remember a story about Labyrinth. Once upon a time, an Arab King was left in a huge labyrinth walls in Babylonia by the Babylon King. He recites prayer, tried to concentrated, followed his instinct, and then he successfully found the exit gate. He admitted the good building developed by the Babylons. In the next day, he kidnapped the Babylon King, and left him alone in the endless desert of Arabia. "This is our labyrinth. No walls, nothing on it. Good luck, my friend!" said the Arab King.

Geezh, how time has flown away before me, and I survived :)

Stop Insisting, don't Stop Believing!

Hehehe.. I lost my weight. Three months ago it was 63,5 kg. Today it's 57 kg! Yaaaaay!!!

I started by going to an acupuncturist whom my friend used to visit. I got two acupuncture sessions for 15 minutes each. During the one week interval, I consumed one slimming pill a day. I lost 1,5 kg in the first week. After two weeks consuming the pills and having the acupuncture session for twice, I stop the method and try to continue my new eating pattern.

The needles and the pills only helped my brain to stop feeling "hungry". I can't depend on them all the time, for diet pills will cause bad effect if they're consumed for a long period of time.

I control my diet by calculating my needed calories. There are websites that can help you to calculate it. Then I just follow it, and make sure my everyday meals don't exceed the limit.

I change my old paradigm. I find some facts about nutrition, health, and how the body responds the food we take. I visit my friend's mother in the hospital who got a stroke. Those facts help me in choosing what I eat carefully.  I even stop eating packaged and junk food. I know they use preservatives and I don't want those 'fake' freshness entering my body.

I thank God that fresh foods are easy to find around my office. Warteg foods are usually fresh and home-made. They are cheap too! For USD 1, I can have a plate of rice, one big fish and a portion of fresh vegetables. All of them contains 300-330 calories. That's enough and yummy too!

Another method is by changing my breakfast menu. I used to grab a slice of bread with chocolate paste. Now I enjoy oatmeal porridge which is yummy too. I thank God I am not like other people who hates oatmeal. I love the taste! Oatmeal contains good carbohydrate and lots of fiber. It suppresses hunger until lunch time comes.

My motivations in loosing weight and being slim are typical: guys (woohoo!), long lasting beauty, and then long lasting healthy body. Being slim gives me more freedom in wearing anything I like too!

Therefore, I enjoy this diet. It's not hard and I don't feel obsessive of being slim. I can still enjoy my meals and snacks. I just calculate my intake calories everyday and control them!

Difficult People

"How do you deal with difficult people?"

I was asked with this question in an interview. For some people, the answer would be "I would ignore them" or "I'll avoid any friction with them" etc. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to stay away from this kind of people, they are always around me!

Difficult people tend to create problems and conflicts with others where ever they are. One thing difficult people never know is that they make other people feel unpleasant. And this is their major problem.

When people were offended by you, sometimes they don't tell you. They create negative image about you behind your back, and spread it wide to kill your credibility. This counterattack has a more dangerous and longer effect. When someone is labeled as a public enemy, life's gonna be hard for him. He will be thwarted in every attempt he does in his career, business, etc.

I've found some people like this in almost every occasion. I can see their struggle in achieving things, despite the difficulties they face with the "public enemy" label. I salute them for their toughness, but I regret for their unlucky position.

The problem is: if they don't know that they have made other people feel unpleasant, who is the one who should have told them not to do such things?

Children are raised to copy their authority figure and are told to obey them. When the authority figure (parents) teaches good things, children will copy and believe that everything that has been taught to them comes from a reliable source: their parents. Problem appears when parents don't give positive examples. Children will copy this attitude because of the "reliable source" reason, but when they grow up and accept public's refusal against them they will face a double problem: a reaction against public's treatment and a dilemma toward their beliefs.

I'd like to say that "difficult people" are only "people with difficulties", or "people who lives in a difficult situation."

I remember when I answer that question in the interview, "I would try to understand them, show them sympathy, and be their friends."

Horny City

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about anything erotic or porn-related thingy. I'm talking about a city with complex traffic problem. The amount of private cars and motorcycle is increasing, while city roads and public space are limited. Tell me how would you manage this situation?

It's 5 pm and I'm listening to a terrible concert of car horns outside...

Leader

Born as a leader, lives as a student of life. I believe that's me. People say I have that sense of leadership, even though I enjoy being a follower and don't have to think about lots of things. In the mean time, the drive for being a natural-born leader is increasing in me through the process of being mature. I've been as the head of student council, the chief of our highs school marching band's club, and one of the founder of a youth initiative. The experience of being someone on top doesn't make me credible enough to be a leader. I believe that the process of knowing ourselves and the skill of communication will boost our competency as a leader.

Some leaders lead with their dictatorship to bound their subordinates. But they got lack of sympathy. The others lead with their family-style but got lack of respect, even lack of control. These bring a conclusion that being a leader is a learning process.

Time to Re-navigate

"It's saturday and I'm working. MAN!"

A short message appeared on my mobile screen while I was having my body treatment. She's been working there for 5 years, my dearest friend, and she hasn't been posted yet (except for the 3 months internship one in Paris). Everyday seems like monday, no raised salary but she has to work, work, and work. She's been waiting for her posting. But until now, she's still here and she has no time for romance nor private life.

I think it's time for her to move on. When job turns to be a monster and you loose your rights as a human... better you re-navigate your journey.

I did my first move in 2004. I left advertising and joined an NGO as a volunteer. Then my second move was in 2008. I left my friends and community and got an opportunity to work in Goethe Institut Indonesia. Then in 2009, I left art and culture and started to get involved with communications, political science and international relations.

As a communication officer, I can be involved with various people and occasions, various opportunities. Moreover, as a project officer who works on media literacy and peace building program, I'm getting closer to my goal.

Next year would be decisive. I am pretty excited for this, coz I am gonna do another movement in my life! :)

Our Past Are Forgiven

Yesterday morning I popped out to Kodam Park for jogging with my friend. We talked when we walked, and the topic was about office life. Emotional and impulsive bosses, betrayers, opportunists, etc. At the end of the conversation, we both agreed that our past have really thought us about how to be strong in handling any kind of situation. Including facing difficult people.

It is a bless that we have passed our past bravely. Yes, we have scars, but we are over them. These scars help us as problem scanners and measurers, alarms, analyzing machines, and problem solvers.

My past is forgiven.

Lucky

It's been three months and I'll finish my probation period in this office. Within a week, I'll be assigned as a full time employee! Hmm! :)

Me love surprises. But 2010 has more surprises!

Two years ago I was an under achiever. Three months ago I was penniless. I lived by the miracles. Now I'm an Officer in Program and Communication division, and Project Officer in a nation-wide program in the same time. Hm, that's a twice in a row! :)

Recently I read a blog belongs to a 40 year old woman who's still pursuing her dream. Meaning, she - although already has 2 kids and a nice job - is still far from what she hopes to achieve.

I must thank God for being not that late. I must be proud of myself for being consistent, focus, and tough enough in making decision and setting up plans. And of course, for not giving up looking for clues.

I am 30 and I've got what I wanted to achieve. Working in a well-known NGO, meet VIP people, deal with international forums, being in charged in a nation-wide project even when I'm still in my probation period, and recently... visit ASEAN Secretariat and got free dinner there.. (he he!)

My resume about this is 'consistency rules'. I had never been ceased to find the ways to my goals. I never stop the search. I never let myself down and I never let anyone pulling me out from my plans. I clean up every clutter that blocks my way. Ego control and stubbornness have to be managed very wisely.

YES! I'M IN !!!

" CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE BEEN ACCEPTED AS THE GRADUATE STUDENT IN THE DEPARTMENT OF  SOCIAL AND POLITICAL SCIENCE!"

I was surprised, and to be honest, I didn't expect that! 

This morning, I woke up at 7 o'clock and directly popped to my laptop. I accessed the admission's site of Universitas Indonesia. I typed my application number, and.. VOILA!

When I did the selection test, that f*ck*in "GRE" thingy, I swore a lot that those questions were ridiculous, crazy, out of mind, and silly! I gave up with the math session and I got home in a very bad mood.

However, the result is out of my expectation. I'm in! This got to be a sweet New Year's Gift for me! I thank God for this gift, and I feel more excited to live my life in 2010 with lectures, books, discussions, and.. new job's field!