Mid Year

Teach me more things, I said. In this limited time I need more explanations. I asked a lot of questions before and I am tired of asking "why"... and "how"..

Emotional Communication

Lately, I'm starting to distinguish people by their emotional communication quality. Those who are indifferent, no matter how awesome they are, are starting to be those whom I get rid of.

I might have been a very tolerant person before. I could stay cool with selfish people who come to me when they need me, and gone when they don't. But I think I can't be like that anymore. Long term relationship, can only be guaranteed by good communications. Both verbal and emotional.

Strong

I enjoy Robbie William's songs during weekend. This boring and lonely weekend feels better with his lyrics. For some reasons I don't feel strong enough to face the days ahead. I know there are some tasks I must do, but I feel powerless. I can't manage my concentration to finish them all soon. I even feel nervous to let them stepping into my face. I need a leave. A long, long, and far away leave. If only I had much money to go. If only....

Now let's sing with Robbie. "STRONG".

My breath smells of a thousand fags And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad I've started to dress a bit like him Early morning when I wake up I look like Kiss but without the make up And that's a good line to take it to The bridge And you know and you know Cos my life's a mess And I'm trying to grow so before I'm old I'll confess You think that I'm strong you're wrong You're wrong I'll sing my song my song my song My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies Of easy lays The pause button's broke on my video And is this real cos I feel fake Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake Teach me things I don't need to know And you know and you know Cos my life's a mess And it's starting to show so before I'm old I'll confess You think that I'm strong you're wrong You're wrong I'll sing my song my song my song If I did it all again I'd be a nun The rain was never cold when I was young I'm still young we're still young Life's too short to be afraid Step inside the sun And you know and you know Cos my life's a mess And I'm trying to grow And you know and you know Cos my life's a mess And I'm trying to grow And you know and you know Cos my life's a mess And I'm trying to grow You think that I'm strong you're wrong You're wrong I'll sing my song my song my song You think that I'm strong you're wrong You're wrong I'll sing my song my song my song Life's too short to be afraid So take a pill to numb the pain You don't have to take the blame Life's too short to be afraid So take a pill to numb the pain You don't have to take the blame Life's too short to be afraid So take a pill to numb the pain You don't have to take the blame

Sanctuary

I am looking for a sanctuary. I am feeling not so good. It's 2,5 month before the announcement and I feel a bit nervous. To be honest, it's like my last try. I don't know what's gonna be my second plan after this. I just know that I don't wanna stay here anymore. I need a new phase.

They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the
thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain

Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah
(Janie's Got a Gun, Aerosmith)


.....

The PMS Diary

Admit it. Estrogen and progesterone don't work well together on PMS and period. They make your thought scattered, one topic to another. You can't arrange them into a hierarchical priority topics. What happen is that the bad topic is always being put on the top. For no reason, you NEVER KNOW WHY.

It's gonna be a good idea: let's take notes on every "hot topic" that arises each month, and analyze the pattern :D For example, how many percent is the "love" topic, "family" topic, and so on. I have an assumption that the topic which becomes the top priority while we're having period is actually the hidden anxiety in our subconsciousness.

Why hidden anxiety should be taken into account? Dunno :) I just think it's interesting!

No Signal

It's been a month or more. I feel like letting myself alone. There's a bit loneliness, yet I feel comfort. I feel free, and easier to move. I can enjoy my day with anything I like - by mostly - shopping!

Almost three years being physically single has made me so emotionally independent. Although, in the same way, I forgot how to read men's mind :) That's how I feel when I misinterpreted the signals from some guys whom I met. Or is it because the men I met were mostly diplomats, who are professionally disallowed to express their personal interests? I dunno. I just feel like my radar is running out of its ability to catch pheromone signals :)

Dondurma, Can You Wait for a While?

It's June already. 3 months to September. I suddenly feel awkward while joining our office's retreat at Tanjung Lesung. We were happy, a little awkward in the beginning but soon turned to be fun! I felt the togetherness during the fun games session that lasted until it ends. But when I realized what I've been expecting to come on September, I felt that this togetherness might not be long.

We are expecting a field project at several places in Indonesia, in which I could be involved. But the fact that the Scholarship announcement will be held on September the middle, I can sense that I am running out of time.

Suddenly I want to visit many places in Indonesia before I leave. I want to dive in Tidung, Bira, or Sepa island. I want to fly to Raja Ampat. I wanna see the waterfalls in West Java. I wanna go to Tanjung Karang beach in Palu. I have 3 months left. I hope I'll make it.

Single or not to be Single

Heheh love this title :D

I've just read a blog of someone who is proud to be single. Or, yeah, prolly got confused but then decided to be proud of being single. I'm not gonna judge her for her choice, but I guess the only consistent woman who is proud being single is my auntie. 70ish, single, and consistent.

Why did I say that? 'Coz 'single women wannabe' are always trapped in their unstable emotion. You may find them in an office, where they're being employed for decades, as a person who always in a war with others. They are known as selfish, arrogant, yet sensitive and attention-seekers. They can roar showing off their authority, but when they feel like being left out - they cry.

They are stranded and trapped in ambition of being the best. However, they never know why they have to pursue it. Prolly they just want to compensate their loneliness.

I used to live single for such a long time, happy with my singleness but worried for my loneliness. Busy with unknown ambition, lost in a bad-tempered attitude then ended up being lonely. If I remember those days, I m so grateful that I've passed the days of being "confused".

I feel my life is light and easier now, happy with achievements I got (not "made", coz I just let them come themselves to me), friends around me, and opportunities that politely knock on my door. Love and relationship are complicated game, but once you get the right card, you may control them.

I am easily saying now, that I want to get married and raise a dearly family. Dream job can wait, but the opportunity of raising your own kids is limited.

Some women are too afraid of marriage. Usually, they have a trauma back then, when they experienced a divorce. Or, they're too afraid of loosing their liberty. They were raised in a circumstance where women are strictly forbidden to speak. These fears create paradigm that marriage is an enemy for freedom.

I personally choose to achieve both my freedom of speech as well as marriage. By working hard and use my rational choice, I seek for the top of my achievement, be proud of whatever I can get, and be grateful.  Meanwhile, a romantic relationship won't come if I don't cultivate my interpersonal skill. Positive reputation among the people around you is essential. However, good reputation comes from a peaceful heart. Your personality represents your inner side. In a nutshell, I try to balance my own ambition by letting my glass half filled. You can't have everything in basket. Give others a space.

Some of my single friends say that they haven't meet their Mr Right. I dunno what Mr Right is, but choosing a husband is like doing an investment. You need a rational choice, because he'll live with you till you die. There's also a risk to be considered but no one's perfect. All you need is a brave heart to start the business. Invest, control the ups and down, and manage the risk.

As long as I know, 'you'll get what you give'. How people treat you depends on how you behave. If you protect yourself, you won't be harmed. If you hurt people, they will hurt you in return. 

For those who decide to be single like my aunt, consistency is a must. I'm proud of her for enjoying her single life without complaining till now. She faces life bravely and independently. But I must say that being single does make her self-centered and a bit anti-social. That's the consequences she must face.

Well, this year, I confess that I don't wanna be single forever :) 

Rose of Versailles

This used to be one of my favorite comic when I was a teenager, after spending my childhood with the European comics. Compared to the other japanese girl-comic, Rose of Versailles hooked me with its historical, yet controversial story.

Oscar Francois de Jarjayes, the hero in this comic, is a young girl who was raised a man. She ought to be the successor of her father, a commander of the French Royal Guard. Struggling with a dilemma between her responsibility as the Royal family's guard and her sympathy to the revolutionists, her life was full of glory and agony at the same time.

As a teenager, this controversial story between morality and immorality must be very 'romantic'. I agree that the bisexuality and the political issue in the story is not a consumption for teenager, whose thought is still blended between rationality and irrationality.

When I was young, Oscar's personality amazed me. Feeling different with my female peers, I found a justification of my boyish-masculine personality in Oscar. Even my ideal man is represented in Andre, Oscar's true love. Andre was the grandson of The Jarjayes family's servant, lived as Oscar's childhood friend and be her best friend and personal adjutant till they both grown up. .

Some points in the plot came into reality. I visited Marie Antoinette's childhood palace in Austria, the Schonbrunn palace in 1999. My job now is related to politics, diplomacy, and the government.

However, I took some positive values from this comic. The idea of "dignity", "egalitarianism", "braveness", "hardworking to success" and "friendship" had emphasized what my parents had thought me.

I also read Ryoko Ikeda's other comics, The Window of Orpheus. This comic had lead me to take another piano lesson in Jakarta Conservatory then had my recital twice! ^_^ (to be continued)

Sate Padang Ajo Ramon.. LAMAK BANA!

Last night I eventually fulfilled my friend, Ibet's longing for Sate Padang"Ajo Ramon". She's been asking me to drop by at Pasar Santa everytime we go home from work and I refuse, due to the traffic.

The stall was located in the parking lot of Pasar Santa, the traditional market, in South Jakarta. It opens in the afternoon until midnight. Like any other satay stalls, it is constructed by a such simple tent covered by plastic sheeting and banners.

The seller is preparing the sauce, while his assistant is grilling the satays. Some ketupat (rice cake) are hanging on the cart's puncheon.

We were impressed by the scrumptious taste... Omg...! As we hit the satay, the beef juice melted in our mouth, mixed with the spicy seasoning of the sauce! No bitter tasted as we found in the other Sate Padang stalls we visited before!

We ordered a half portion for each, contains with five skewers of satay and some ketupat (rice cake) 'coz we know we're fat already.. he he he :p

Great Sate Padang always has a great sauce. And that's what we got from Sate Padang Ajo Ramos. It is made from the mixture of beef stock and rice flour, added with other seasonings like onion, garlic, pepper, chili, coriander, caraway, and some roots like galangal, ginger, and lemon grass. Sometimes they added mashed peanuts inside. They pour some crispy onions as the finishing touch. You can see the stock's shiny texture from the picture above and let me tell you: it tastes good! 

This makes Sate Padang can be eaten in various way. When you're finished with the beef (some skewers also contains with heart, tongue or intestine) and you don't have more ketupat, keep enjoying your Sate Padang by slurping the sauce with kerupuk kulit, the crackers made from cow's skin.

The nice couple beside us are enjoying their kerupuk kulit

hurmmm dip it deep, soak it yummy!!!

The crackers baskets are available on every table!

Beside kerupuk kulit, you may eat your Sate Padang with keripik singkong balado, crisps made from cassava and chili. Both crackers will make you addicted, trust me!

One full portion of Sate Padang costs Rp.15.000,-, while the half portion costs Rp. 8000,-. All the crackers cost Rp. 3000. Drinks like hot tea, iced tea, mineral water or bottle tea are available in a normal price. Ajo Ramon also offers catering service. 

After 5 days working, I feel pampered with the yummy food I tasted last night :) Life is good!

Congrats, Congrats!

I missed out a good news :)
My former colleague, Nurul has got her dream job! Lookin at her Facebook wall, I raised a big smile reading the word "UNHCR" at her "work at" section. What a great achievement! I remember when she told me that she's craving for a career in the UN, aside from her anxiety of being single and hasn't found a guy yet :) I hope this dream job will lead to another achievement, in a personal basis :) Congratulation, Nurul!

Life, Death, and Cancer

Is it a jinx?

Within this month, I've heard at least 5-6 people who are suffered from cancer. Not to mention Mrs Ainun Habibie who died several months ago. Let's say:

- My friend's cousin who got a cancer in his stomach (could it be on his liver? or pancreas? or duodenum?) but he has been consuming chemotherapy pills - I hope he will be healed. Amen;
- Rachmatsyah Bungamayang, Fauziah's brother who died last month caused by cancer on his duodenum;
- Desziana Machmud, Asmudjo's dearest wife who has been suffering from breast cancer since 2 years ago and now the cancer has spread over her thigh bone marrow;
- Juni Leonardy, Suci's best friend, who got her symptom only a week before she died last Monday. She was being condemned to 4th stadium of cancer in her womb. She wrote many messages on her FB wall. Two days before she died she wrote "I can't sleep... I can't sleep.." twice. A week before her death she wrote "When a Father takes the child by the hand, He would take the mother by the heart";
- Norvan, a cartoonist, Ojie and Nida's best friend, who were dying because of cancer in his pancreas two-three days ago, and yesterday he passed away.

What is this? Cancer? Death?
The deaths of these young people (24 to 40 years old) disturbs me. Life is so short. And when you die, you don't bring your Macbook to your tomb. Not even your iPad, your car, your Black Berry, nothing. None. I feel relieved when I realize it. Suddenly the sadness of losing my Macbook just gone away. The fear of being penniless disappears. The fear of not possessing anything in my life doesn't come. At this point, I thank God that life is not eternal. Realizing that life is short has urged me to do more in a positive way. I wish I had more time to correct myself, and improve my social responsibility.

Cancer.
What happen to these young people? Why do they suffer from cancer in their early age? I accused today's lifestyle as the cause of it : preservatives on food and drinks, cigarette, drugs, pollutions, and stress. Or maybe it's just God who want's to reduce the population of men on earth?

It's My Birthday Again!!! :)

Yesterday was my birthday!
I don't know but I'm so happy!

Saturday midnight, I got so many birthday messages on my FB wall saying happy birthday! I got blackberry messages too from my dearest friends.... and of course, my sweetie!

Monday morning, I got a surprising cake from my colleagues, and I love it when they came to my desk with glowing candles singing happy birthday :) It's like in the movie :)

By the way, I feel more ready for my future. It's like.. "go on Dewi, this is it! This is the time!".

Tears in Heaven

My friend's grandma passed away last Monday, 21:39 GMT+7 Jakarta time. That should be 16:39 Ankara time, sometime around Ashar prayer time. The tears immediately dropped from my eyes, showering my cheeks.

I've never met her. I've never spoke to her. I dunno how she looks before my friend sent me her dying picture, 2 days before she left us. But ever since he mentioned her within our prior chat in February 2009, I know that she's a beloved person. I remember that time, I was in Enna's studio, working on my illustration job, and he was in his prior office. "LOL grandma's here visiting me in office!" that's what he said. I laughed, imagining grandma comes to his office, drink tea, and they go together to the hospital for her routine check up. "She's a very funny grandma!" that's what he told me.

Every time the topic comes to grandma, he becomes energetic and sincere. I could feel a true, unconditional love, and a warmed-heart energy derived from him. In my opinion, she is the only one with whom he can find a comfort in the family.

Also in 2009, grandma had her first accident. She fell from the taxi and had her bone broken. It was him who take care of her during the post-injury. "I am in grandma's house!" that's what he told me. "She's so little you know, I have to take care of her." November 2009 on my birthday night, I called him by phone for a surprise and it was his grandma who told him that his cellphone's ringing.

That time, I felt a deep loving heart from this funny un-serious guy. An eccentric guy who impressed me 15 years ago with his poems about dragon and knight, and almost made me fainted with his long pink wig before on a concert in Istanbul.

A few days before Eid, after laughing at me for what I did on Ramadan (fasting of course!), he left the web cam to visit his grandma. "I am gonna visit grandma. I wanna buy her something for Bayram. Meat and chocolates. I love her." And I saw a longing in his eyes.

Until one day I saw a status on his FB account. "Car accident."

I asked him through blackberry, was it him who got a car crash. But then he replied "No, it's grandma. She is in comma now" and then he told me about how grandma was hit, when, and how was her condition. I was shocked and I knew it must be something big for him. He was so emotional as well.

I sent him messages every day, although I know he might be busy with hospital, etc. I wanted to know how the progress was going. Then finally he said that grandma will have an operation on Monday. She was wake up on Sunday and he talked to her. I was in Sour Sally when he message me "She talks to me. I tell her about your wish and she welcomed it." Then I asked him to send me her pic. It was the first and last pic of her that I have.

Monday, I asked him in the afternoon about the operation. "It's already started, I guess" he said first. But then when Jakarta was hit by a heavy thundering heavy rain at night, I asked him again "How is the surgery?". Then he replied, "grandma died. I just got the message."

And I was shocked in grief. My tears were falling on my face. I tried to console him but I cried myself. I felt sorry, really sorry for not being able to meet her in person.

He took care of everything, from the hospital to the funeral. He even buried her by his hands himself. I caught a glimpse of what he's done. "Did you pray for the dead corp?" He said "of course!". Hmm.. somebody who said that he doesn't need God and always laughs at me if I do anything related to religion was in the mosque, praying for his beloved. Sounds touchy ;)

Death always makes me cry, I dunno why. That's what I felt when attending Mrs Ainun's funeral. My tears are not the representation of sympathy to the abandoned relatives, but it represents my regret of not being able to interact with the dead person anymore. I feel sorry for not being intense on sharing love.

A song from Eric Clapton makes everything becomes more emotional,

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?

Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong
And carry on,

'Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven.

Recharged

I'm off today. I told my boss that I need a rest. Well, after three days suffering from the heavy rain, extreme weather and the insanity of Jakarta traffic, I woke up in the morning with headache and stiffed back. I couldn't even think.

Honestly, one day off is so much relieving. Today I enjoy my day by watching two films: Post Grad, and 500 Days of Summer. The first movie is a teenage drama-comedy, it speaks about a girl with an ambition of pursuing her goals in life but then she gives up and back to her beloved guy. The second film is quiet a good one. Pretty mature, it is not a love story, yet a story of love. My pen friend Kerem has mentioned me about this film and I agree with him to rank it as a full-five-stars movie!

Not to mention the actor and actress, the way they bring the story by such a plot, this is a film of reality. You never know who's gonna be your destiny. You love her so much, but she doesn't love you. You never expected her but she comes to you. I think teenagers have to watch this.

Do these films give me a whack on my head? Heheh... guess so. I become more relaxed, not trying to push everything hard in life. What Ryden's dad said in Post Grad is quiet the same with what 500 Days have told:  "There is no rule".

I just remember a story about Labyrinth. Once upon a time, an Arab King was left in a huge labyrinth walls in Babylonia by the Babylon King. He recites prayer, tried to concentrated, followed his instinct, and then he successfully found the exit gate. He admitted the good building developed by the Babylons. In the next day, he kidnapped the Babylon King, and left him alone in the endless desert of Arabia. "This is our labyrinth. No walls, nothing on it. Good luck, my friend!" said the Arab King.

Geezh, how time has flown away before me, and I survived :)

Stop Insisting, don't Stop Believing!

Hehehe.. I lost my weight. Three months ago it was 63,5 kg. Today it's 57 kg! Yaaaaay!!!

I started by going to an acupuncturist whom my friend used to visit. I got two acupuncture sessions for 15 minutes each. During the one week interval, I consumed one slimming pill a day. I lost 1,5 kg in the first week. After two weeks consuming the pills and having the acupuncture session for twice, I stop the method and try to continue my new eating pattern.

The needles and the pills only helped my brain to stop feeling "hungry". I can't depend on them all the time, for diet pills will cause bad effect if they're consumed for a long period of time.

I control my diet by calculating my needed calories. There are websites that can help you to calculate it. Then I just follow it, and make sure my everyday meals don't exceed the limit.

I change my old paradigm. I find some facts about nutrition, health, and how the body responds the food we take. I visit my friend's mother in the hospital who got a stroke. Those facts help me in choosing what I eat carefully.  I even stop eating packaged and junk food. I know they use preservatives and I don't want those 'fake' freshness entering my body.

I thank God that fresh foods are easy to find around my office. Warteg foods are usually fresh and home-made. They are cheap too! For USD 1, I can have a plate of rice, one big fish and a portion of fresh vegetables. All of them contains 300-330 calories. That's enough and yummy too!

Another method is by changing my breakfast menu. I used to grab a slice of bread with chocolate paste. Now I enjoy oatmeal porridge which is yummy too. I thank God I am not like other people who hates oatmeal. I love the taste! Oatmeal contains good carbohydrate and lots of fiber. It suppresses hunger until lunch time comes.

My motivations in loosing weight and being slim are typical: guys (woohoo!), long lasting beauty, and then long lasting healthy body. Being slim gives me more freedom in wearing anything I like too!

Therefore, I enjoy this diet. It's not hard and I don't feel obsessive of being slim. I can still enjoy my meals and snacks. I just calculate my intake calories everyday and control them!

Difficult People

"How do you deal with difficult people?"

I was asked with this question in an interview. For some people, the answer would be "I would ignore them" or "I'll avoid any friction with them" etc. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to stay away from this kind of people, they are always around me!

Difficult people tend to create problems and conflicts with others where ever they are. One thing difficult people never know is that they make other people feel unpleasant. And this is their major problem.

When people were offended by you, sometimes they don't tell you. They create negative image about you behind your back, and spread it wide to kill your credibility. This counterattack has a more dangerous and longer effect. When someone is labeled as a public enemy, life's gonna be hard for him. He will be thwarted in every attempt he does in his career, business, etc.

I've found some people like this in almost every occasion. I can see their struggle in achieving things, despite the difficulties they face with the "public enemy" label. I salute them for their toughness, but I regret for their unlucky position.

The problem is: if they don't know that they have made other people feel unpleasant, who is the one who should have told them not to do such things?

Children are raised to copy their authority figure and are told to obey them. When the authority figure (parents) teaches good things, children will copy and believe that everything that has been taught to them comes from a reliable source: their parents. Problem appears when parents don't give positive examples. Children will copy this attitude because of the "reliable source" reason, but when they grow up and accept public's refusal against them they will face a double problem: a reaction against public's treatment and a dilemma toward their beliefs.

I'd like to say that "difficult people" are only "people with difficulties", or "people who lives in a difficult situation."

I remember when I answer that question in the interview, "I would try to understand them, show them sympathy, and be their friends."

Horny City

Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about anything erotic or porn-related thingy. I'm talking about a city with complex traffic problem. The amount of private cars and motorcycle is increasing, while city roads and public space are limited. Tell me how would you manage this situation?

It's 5 pm and I'm listening to a terrible concert of car horns outside...

Leader

Born as a leader, lives as a student of life. I believe that's me. People say I have that sense of leadership, even though I enjoy being a follower and don't have to think about lots of things. In the mean time, the drive for being a natural-born leader is increasing in me through the process of being mature. I've been as the head of student council, the chief of our highs school marching band's club, and one of the founder of a youth initiative. The experience of being someone on top doesn't make me credible enough to be a leader. I believe that the process of knowing ourselves and the skill of communication will boost our competency as a leader.

Some leaders lead with their dictatorship to bound their subordinates. But they got lack of sympathy. The others lead with their family-style but got lack of respect, even lack of control. These bring a conclusion that being a leader is a learning process.

Time to Re-navigate

"It's saturday and I'm working. MAN!"

A short message appeared on my mobile screen while I was having my body treatment. She's been working there for 5 years, my dearest friend, and she hasn't been posted yet (except for the 3 months internship one in Paris). Everyday seems like monday, no raised salary but she has to work, work, and work. She's been waiting for her posting. But until now, she's still here and she has no time for romance nor private life.

I think it's time for her to move on. When job turns to be a monster and you loose your rights as a human... better you re-navigate your journey.

I did my first move in 2004. I left advertising and joined an NGO as a volunteer. Then my second move was in 2008. I left my friends and community and got an opportunity to work in Goethe Institut Indonesia. Then in 2009, I left art and culture and started to get involved with communications, political science and international relations.

As a communication officer, I can be involved with various people and occasions, various opportunities. Moreover, as a project officer who works on media literacy and peace building program, I'm getting closer to my goal.

Next year would be decisive. I am pretty excited for this, coz I am gonna do another movement in my life! :)